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Sex Yin-Yang
(GDJ, Pixabay)

Art of the Cuddle
(efes, Pixabay)

(GDJ, Pixabay)

Rose Sex
(suju, Pixabay)

Erotic Temple
(dMz, Pixabay)

(Meditations, Pixabay)

Rose Petal
(bogdanchr, Pixabay)

'If It's Unwanted, It's Harassment.' image
(Collective Action for Safe Spaces, Stop Street Harassment and others)

(stokpic, Pixabay)

Fantasy Sex
(geralt, Pixabay)

Starry Lovers
(586300, Pixabay)

Wild Sex
(Reagan-Ilunga, Pixabay)

Linked Hearts (pippalou,

Sex Yin-Yang symbolSex Education

Relationship and sex skill is a lifelong life skill, essential for personal happiness and societal harmony, but it is severely neglected in education worldwide.
I’d rate it as far more important than all standard educational subjects.

Time to take responsibility for your sexuality.
Can you juggle all these?

  • Choose to love. But have boundaries.
  • Love yourself. But avoid narcissism.
  • "Sex is way too important to be taken seriously." (Jim Benson) Keep it light, fun, respectful, playful. 
  • We need more than just sex! Part 1 Pleasure alone does not necessarily bring extended happiness. The reason sex can equate with greater long-term happiness is because of the accompanying cuddling. It's more than just sex. Affectionate touch connects sex with well-being. See herehere and here. "Naked Snuggle-Time" is advised by Jim Benson (where no sex has to take place).
  • We need more than just sex! Part 2 A post-coital cuddle boosts women's sexual enjoyment by 30%. Cuddling is as important to a woman's pleasure as foreplay. It is the easiest way to improve your relationship. A cuddle after sex makes men feel better too, and increases chances of a repeat encounter. See here, here, here.
  • We need more than just sex! Part 3 Skills like presence, appreciation, connection and intimacy are precious for good sex. See here, here, here.
Art of the Cuddle
  • Own your Sexuality, your Animality. But also your Angel. Examples: Tantric sex; Sexual arousal is a trance state; "All we did was fuck and pray" (Nura).
  • You never have to give up sex.
  • LGBTQIA = lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer or questioning, intersex and asexual or allied. (See BBC, posted 22 June 2018, accessed 25 June 2018) LGBT+ is simpler, where the + stands for other sexual identities or related communities. For symbols and flags, see here, here. Online safety for LGBT+ (or anyone) here.
  • There are many types of sexual orientation. The main type is heterosexual = attracted to the opposite sex (±90% of us but very variable). Other well-known types are homosexual (same sex; ±6%) and bisexual (both sexes; ±1%). Another one that is very important to recognise is asexual (±1%), where the person does not experience sexual attraction. Remember, the most important thing is Love.
  • There are various types of gender and gender identity. The main or binary genders are male and female, and are typically based on the genitals you are born with. A rare third gender (sometimes called 'X') is neither male or female, and usually means 'other'; for example, intersex people may appear male or female, yet are born with atypical biological sex characteristics, like ambiguous genitalia. Gender identity usually follows your birth gender, yet can be far more complex and more fluid, although core gender identity is usually formed by age three (Wikipedia, accessed 23 April 2017). Support them all.
Equality logo
  • Masturbation is healthy. Masturbation improves immune functioning by increasing cortisol levels, which can regulate immune functioning in small doses (Spring Chenoa Cooper & Anthony Santella, The Independent, posted and accessed 15/5/2015).
  • Masturbation info: Why?; 15 Misbeliefs; Beginner's Guide; Penis; Vagina; 5 Ways; Women; Animals.
  • Masturbation can spiritualise. Try this exercise (adapted from Masturbation, Tantra and Self-Love by Margo Woods) which is said to contain the essence of Tantra: 'Make love to yourself, masturbating. Stop at the point just before orgasm. Then put your attention to your heart, letting the energy go up to the heart. Repeat the cycle until there seems to be no more energy, or you feel like stopping. You can fantasise and orgasm. You are only required to delay any orgasm, letting the energy rise to the heart first.' Do daily for at least three months. This is likely to increase your personal magnetism, the most important ingredient of sexuality. Also this can enhance your vitality, aliveness, enthusiasm, looks, creativity. [Also see Wikipedia on Edging/Peaking/Surfing.]
Rose Sex
  • Porn can educate if used wisely. But there is such a danger of addiction. The widespread availability of porn on the internet is like the widespread availability of added sugar in food. Our animal body, evolved through millions of years, sees both sex and sugar as valuable, as they meet survival needs. Sex continues the species, whilst sugar is safe food and avoids famine. The thing is that in the modern world they are so plentiful that it's really messing with our lives, i.e. obesity and porn addiction. So, we have to exercise some discipline over our diet, whether food or porn. Porn also desensitises you to the effect of a real woman or man. A no- or low-porn diet means you easily delight in attractive real humans. Resources: (1) Free PDF on erectile dysfunction here (no email needed); (2) Porn Sex Vs Real Sex (The Huffington Post); (3) Your Brain On Porn; (4) BBC.
  • Porn also hijacks our Coolidge Effect, whereby men and women revive erotic interest when novel mates appear. The Coolidge Effect may be good for the survival of the species, as it either ensures mating or fertility, as rivals in the vicinity can increase a male's sperm count (Dr Pamela Connolly, Psychologies magazine January 2009, p.45). But nowadays it is certainly playing havoc with our brains if porn hijacks it. It wears you out, desensitises you to the real thing, creates unrealistic ideas about sex, produces sex disorders like erectile dysfunction. All this means less sex between humans, and the Coolidge Effect is doing the opposite of its evolutionary purpose! 
Erotic temple sculpture
  • Genitalia Size & Look: 'Highlighting the key differences between porn sex and real sex will help younger people create more realistic expectations and have a better understanding of sexual intimacy, making them well-prepared for when they become sexually active. For instance, porn implies that every man’s trouser snake is of python proportions, however the average penis size is 3.6 inches when flaccid and 5.2 inches when erect. Porn stars, meanwhile, typically have an erection between 6 and 9 inches long, which is considerably larger. It’s not just men that are misrepresented either: female porn stars often have “neat”, hairless labia. However, women’s vulvas come in all different shapes, sizes and colours.' (The Huffington Post, posted 7 February 2017, accessed 10 February 2017)
Banana shaped like an erect penis         Rose petal resembling a vulva
  • Deal with Male or Female Sexual Problems.
  • Get educated on the history of sex. Read the best-selling cartoon book The Story of Sex: From Apes to Robots by Philippe Brenot.
  • What you primarily seek is turn-on, not bigger boobs or tighter butt. The best and most enduring way to achieve this is Inner Game. Not cosmetic surgery or other superficialities. The Way is simple healthy lifestyle changes and Inner Game.
  • Till the age of 25, your brain is still rapidly developing. Impulsive behaviour is more likely (e.g. see here). But this is no excuse for sexual assault, verbal harassment, coercion, etc. Whatever your age, never use such violence to get sex. 
  • Harassment: 'If it's unwanted, it's harassment', especially if it persistent. You are allowed to courteously ask a woman/man out! You then need to be sensitive to her/his cues. Learn more here...
'If it's unwanted, it's harassment' hand-stop image
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  • Consent: Understand consent properly, e.g. tea as consent. Also see here!
  • Sex must be consensual. Have a safe word or similar if playing BDSM games.
  • 96% of women said they want a man to dominate during sex. However, remember domination is not violence. She must feel safe emotionally. Remember, this only applies to sex - NOT life! Men dominating women is also given as the reason for the success of Strictly Come Dancing [but it seems this only applies if the dating or mating bridges have been crossed correctly].
  • Men: Inner Game is more important than Outer Game. In this way, you build deep Connection, not merely superficial Attraction. Her biggest sex organ, her most erogenous zone, is her mind. Get her world. 
  • Presence is more important than Presents.
  • 'Parents must also teach daughters not to misuse their physical appeal to exploit or tease boys, for creepiness can work both ways. Sex is about mutual respect and enjoyment. It’s a part of loving, and not a marketing tool.' (Steve Biddulph)
  • Do your best. No one can be everything to you. And you can't be everything to another. Do your best to help the other. Enjoy the moment. Free the person.
  • As a guideline in sexual activity: Men need to kindle the fire of woman, build tension or excitement. This is like foreplay to foreplay. Think romantic story rather than sex act - read romantic novels to get this. Small offers work best! Offer a foot rub and maintain erotic vigilance - rather than dick pics or asking if she wants sex tonight. Men need to relax more into the moment and enjoy each step, rather than rushing through the stages of courtshipWomen need to get into an active state before sex, as this will allow them to orgasm far quicker and more intensely - see here; this is contrary to popular advice and the opposite of men, so get physically active, emotionally excited, laugh a lot. 
Foreplay of young lovers
  • Anticipation [advice for men by David DeAngelo]: (1) 'Anticipation is such an important concept when it comes to "getting physical" with a woman. I believe that it's important to incorporate it into every part of your interactions with a woman... really.' (2) 'When you find something she really likes, stop, pull back, and make her really want it before you tease her with a little more.'
  • 'In fact, sexual experts are fond of saying that only 10 per cent of sexual excitement and pleasure are a result of what we do with our bodies. The rest is down to what goes on in our minds – our expectation and anticipation, our emotions and imagination.' (Suzie Hayman, Pandora’s Book, p.9) 
  • Anticipation + variety = great sex.
  • Thank You technique [advice for men]. You need to establish a safe communication loop between you and your partner. If you can receive feedback without taking things personally, it creates emotional safety and you will better learn what works for each other. You simply say "Thank you", whether the feedback is positive or negative. Susan Bratton's mantra is "There is no failure, only feedback". 
  • Personal Life Media has a wealth of information on improving your skill as a lover, on sexual knowledge and psychology. 
  • 5 Simple Things Women Wish Men Did in Bed: (1) Eye Contact (every so often and at crucial changes; it creates connection, as otherwise it could be any guy). (2) Slow it down (average woman takes 20 minutes to get to orgasm, whereas average man 5-7 minutes). (3) Use your hands. (4) Let us know that you are enjoying yourself (moans, gestures, eye contact, words; both people need to know it is good, reduces performance pressure). (5) Ask questions. Check in and communicate. Work with her. Be patient, be communicative. This is the mark of a great lover. (Caitlin Veal, posted 8 July 2018, accessed 9 March 2019)
  • Bonding is healthy. Dependency not really.
  • In an established relationship, many insist only on spontaneous sex. But, as man coach Karen Brody explains, this tends to create a sexual desert and is really about avoiding sex and intimacy. We prioritise and schedule so many things in life - like exercise, friends and hobbies - so why not sex? Scheduling doesn't kill sexiness; not having sex kills it. She recommends two hours each week...
  • Fantasies do not mean they have to be enacted physically. Explore your fantasies with In the Garden of Desire: The Intimate World of Women's Sexual Fantasies by Wendy Maltz & Suzie Boss. 
Fantasy Sex
  • When in an intimate relationship, you may be politically incorrect when in the ‘bedroom’, whilst during daily life fighting for what is politically correct. For example, signing petitions against slavery during the day, whilst playing BDSM or slavery role play at night. This is okay. See TED talk by Esther Perel
  • The abusive BDSM portrayed in '50 Shades...' is not BDSM. Nor is it merely thrill. True BDSM is about trust and communication. It is also linked to better mental health. See here, here, here.
  • Sex and Drugs is not a good mix. Combining drugs [e.g. alcohol, cocaine, MDMA and mephedrone] with sex increases the chance of catching an STD - see here. Drug use in BDSM fun is so dangerous as risk assessment and ability to consent is highly diminished.
  • The case against promiscuity #1: STD = Sexually Transmitted Diseases. Use condoms. Learn more here, here, here, here. [STD also called STI (Sexually Transmitted Infection). However, STI does not mean you have developed STD.]
  • The case against promiscuity #2: Sex can lead to Parenthood. See The Daring Adventure of Intimacy and Parenting, Preparing for Conception, Prenatal Bonding, Natural Family Living.
  • Sexual Health = exercise, diet, sleep, less stress. Look after your body and mind! This improves attractiveness, desire, performance, satisfaction. Kegel exercises are also vital for sexual and pelvic health (see here, here).
Lovers and stars graphic
  • Marriage, as a legal contract, is not essential. In the world we live in, it usually make things easier legally and when you travel. However, the true meaning of marriage is in building a nest or home together, and as something sacred. This means it requires daily work, and it needs a high ideal
  • And, as Kahlil Gibran says in The Prophet, 'Let there be spaces in your togetherness'. One reason why we need this is the not widely-known Incest Taboo. The incest taboo is where we gradually become turned off by our mate, after we live with them for some time, as they unconsciously resemble family, and we should not have sex with our family. So, some time apart can connect us with our individuality, and recreate sexual polarity.
  • Nevertheless it can also be important to dedicate time to sex and intimacy. No tech. No kids. As otherwise how can we be deeply present?
  • 'Aftercare' is a severely neglected part of sex. Feeling sad, upset, disconnected after sex can happen to men and women. This can be down to whether you were securely attached when young. Or there can be many other reasons, such as sex connecting us with deep emotions. For more, read Why Do You Feel Sad After Sex, and here. One answer - alone or not - is to hug after sex and/or say "I love you" and/or connect to the Angels and Spiritual Light.
  • Emma Watson asked Eve Ensler for her most powerful advice for Women in this patriarchal culture. The author of The Vagina Monologues answered: “Trust your experience. Trust what you know and act on it. Don't WAIT for permission… No one's going to give you permission to oust them or resist them. AND No one’s in charge but the people pretending to be. Listen to your body. Follow your instincts. Fight for our Mother Earth and each other. If you’re privileged, share your platforms and serve those without privilege more deeply. Listen better. Dance. Rage. Have your anger. Laugh a lot. Have wild ecstatic sex. Spend more time imagining. Bow down to trees. And don't be embarrassed to love. Bigger.” (Elle, posted 1 April 2017, accessed 22 April 2017)
Wild Sex
  • Snowflakes we are. Although we share similar patterns of sexuality with others, we are all unique. Take the time to discover the uniqueness of yourself and your partner. This is why the Platinum Rule is highly relevant. The Golden Rule asks us to treat others as we would like to be treated. But the Platinum Rule suggests we treat others in the way they would like to be treated. Get their world!
  • "It is possible to instruct and advise human beings on matters of sexuality, but with the clear understanding that such questions can only be truly resolved in relation to each individual. It is unreasonable to try to impose the same rules on everyone in the name of morality, because the same discipline that helps some attain balance and true spirituality may, on the contrary, drive others into repression, hysteria, and neurosis. Human beings do not all have the same needs, and someone who does not realize this risks either preaching in the desert or inflicting needless torment. This is not to say, however, that you need make no effort whatsoever. On the contrary, each of you, on your own level, must strive to master your sexual energy so that your love will be nobler, more beautiful, and more spiritual. This is the only true rule of sexual morality." (O.M. Aïvanhov)
  • "The subject of chastity and continence is generally badly addressed by religion. Why? Because in reality, the act of lovemaking is in itself neither good nor bad: it is simply what men and women are able to make of it. If they have not worked on themselves to become purer, nobler and more enlightened, they will only communicate certain negative influences to their partner through the act of lovemaking. True love should improve everything in the person you love – it should uplift them, make them stronger and more radiant. Whether it is then expressed physically or not is secondary. You can love someone without ever touching them yet still poison them with your love. There is therefore only one question you should be asking yourself to determine the quality of your love: is the person you love blossoming because of it? If they are becoming sickly and weak and losing their love for life, ask yourself what you have done to harm this creature. You should have taken care of them as you would a garden flower, and there is nothing for you to be particularly proud of. The only thing you can do now is find out how you can repair your errors. The love you give must make the other person grow. Only when you see that they are blossoming thanks to your love can you then be glad and thank the heavens." (O.M. Aïvanhov)
Linked Hearts
Asexuality  Polyamory
Also see:-


Sexual Consent & Harassment

Violence & Sexual Frustration

Male Sexual Problems

Female Sexual Problems

Articles on Sex

Articles on Relationships

Articles on Love

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Page last updated: 5 September 2021.