Art of the Cuddle
'If It's Unwanted, It's Harassment.' image
Action for Safe Spaces, Stop Street
Harassment and others)
Linked Hearts (pippalou,
and sex skill
is a lifelong life skill, essential for personal happiness and societal
harmony, but it
is severely neglected in education worldwide.
I’d rate it as
far more important
than all standard educational subjects.
Time to take responsibility for your sexuality.
Can you juggle all these?
- Choose to love. But
- Love yourself. But avoid
is way too important to be taken seriously." (Jim
Benson) Keep it light, fun, respectful, playful.
need more than just sex!
Part 1 Pleasure alone does not necessarily bring extended
reason sex can equate with greater long-term happiness is
of the accompanying cuddling. It's more than just sex. Affectionate
connects sex with well-being. See here, here
"Naked Snuggle-Time" is advised by Jim
no sex has to take place).
need more than just sex! Part 2
A post-coital cuddle boosts women's sexual enjoyment by 30%. Cuddling
is as important to a woman's pleasure as foreplay. It is the easiest
way to improve your relationship. A cuddle after sex makes men feel
better too, and increases chances of a repeat encounter. See here,
need more than just sex! Part 3 Skills
appreciation, connection and intimacy are precious for good sex. See here, here, here.
your Sexuality, your Animality. But also your Angel. Examples: Tantric sex; Sexual arousal is a trance state; "All we did was fuck and pray" (Nura).
never have to give up sex.
= lesbian, gay,
bisexual, transgender, queer or questioning, intersex and asexual or
posted 22 June 2018, accessed 25 June 2018) LGBT+ is
simpler, where the + stands for other
sexual identities or related
communities. For symbols and flags, see here,
Online safety for LGBT+ (or anyone) here.
are many types of sexual
orientation. The main type is heterosexual =
attracted to the opposite sex (±90% of us but very
variable). Other well-known types are homosexual (same
sex; ±6%) and bisexual (both sexes;
±1%). Another one that is very important to recognise is asexual (±1%),
person does not experience sexual attraction. Remember, the most
important thing is Love.
are various types of gender
identity. The main or binary genders are male and female, and are
typically based on the genitals you are born with. A rare third gender
(sometimes called 'X') is neither male or female, and usually means
'other'; for example, intersex
people may appear male or female, yet are born with atypical biological
sex characteristics, like ambiguous genitalia. Gender identity usually
follows your birth gender, yet can be far more complex and more fluid,
although core gender identity is usually formed by age three (Wikipedia,
accessed 23 April 2017). Support them all.
is healthy. Masturbation improves immune functioning by
increasing cortisol levels,
which can regulate immune functioning in small doses (Spring
Chenoa Cooper &
Anthony Santella, The
Independent, posted and accessed 15/5/2015).
Ways; Women; Animals.
can spiritualise. Try this exercise (adapted
from Masturbation, Tantra and
Self-Love by Margo Woods) which is said to
contain the essence of Tantra: 'Make
love to yourself, masturbating. Stop
at the point just before orgasm. Then put your attention to your heart,
the energy go up to the heart. Repeat the cycle until there seems to be
energy, or you feel like stopping. You can fantasise and orgasm. You
are only required
to delay any orgasm, letting the energy rise to the heart first.' Do
at least three months. This is likely to increase your personal
most important ingredient of sexuality. Also this can enhance your
aliveness, enthusiasm, looks, creativity. [Also
- Porn can
educate if used wisely. But there is such a danger of addiction.
The widespread availability of porn on the internet is like the
widespread availability of added sugar in food. Our animal body,
evolved through millions of years, sees both sex and sugar as valuable,
as they meet survival needs. Sex continues the species, whilst sugar is
safe food and avoids famine. The thing is that in the modern
they are so plentiful that it's really messing with our lives, i.e.
obesity and porn addiction. So, we have to exercise some discipline
over our diet, whether food or porn. Porn also desensitises you to the
effect of a real woman or man. A no- or low-porn diet means you easily
delight in attractive real humans. Resources: (1) Free PDF on
(no email needed); (2) Porn
Sex Vs Real Sex (The Huffington Post); (3) Your
Brain On Porn; (4) BBC.
also hijacks our Coolidge
whereby men and women revive erotic interest when novel mates appear.
The Coolidge Effect may be good for the survival of the
as it either ensures mating or fertility, as rivals in the
vicinity can increase a male's sperm count (Dr Pamela
magazine January 2009, p.45). But
nowadays it is certainly playing havoc with our brains if porn hijacks
it. It wears you out, desensitises you to the real thing, creates
unrealistic ideas about sex, produces sex disorders like erectile
dysfunction. All this means less sex between humans, and the Coolidge
Effect is doing the opposite of its evolutionary purpose!
- Genitalia Size & Look: 'Highlighting
the key differences between porn sex and real sex will help
younger people create more realistic expectations and have a better
understanding of sexual intimacy, making them well-prepared for when
become sexually active. For instance, porn implies that every
snake is of python proportions, however the average penis size is 3.6
when flaccid and 5.2 inches when erect. Porn stars, meanwhile,
an erection between 6 and 9 inches long, which is considerably larger.
just men that are misrepresented either: female porn stars often have
hairless labia. However, women’s vulvas come in all different shapes, sizes and
Huffington Post, posted 7 February 2017, accessed 10 February
educated on the history of sex. Read the best-selling cartoon
book The Story of Sex: From Apes to
Robots by Philippe Brenot.
you primarily seek is turn-on,
not bigger boobs or tighter butt. The best and most enduring way to
this is Inner Game.
Not cosmetic surgery or other
superficialities. The Way is simple healthy lifestyle changes and Inner Game.
the age of 25, your
brain is still rapidly developing. Impulsive behaviour is more likely
(e.g. see here).
But this is no excuse for sexual assault, verbal harassment, coercion,
etc. Whatever your age, never use such violence
to get sex.
it's unwanted, it's harassment', especially if it persistent. You are
allowed to courteously ask a woman/man out! You then need to be
sensitive to her/his cues. Learn more here...
- Consent: Understand
properly, e.g. tea as consent. Also see here!
must be consensual. Have a safe word or similar if playing BDSM
said they want a man to dominate during sex. However, remember
domination is not violence. She must feel safe emotionally. Remember,
this only applies to sex - NOT life! Men dominating women is also given
as the reason for the
success of Strictly Come Dancing [but it seems this
only applies if the dating or mating bridges have been
Inner Game is more
important than Outer Game.
In this way, you build deep Connection, not merely superficial
Attraction. Her biggest sex organ, her most erogenous zone, is her
mind. Get her world.
- Presence is more
important than Presents.
must also teach daughters not to misuse their
physical appeal to exploit or tease boys, for creepiness can work both
Sex is about mutual respect and enjoyment. It’s a part of
loving, and not a
marketing tool.' (Steve Biddulph)
your best. No one
can be everything to you. And you can't be everything to another. Do
your best to help the other. Enjoy the moment. Free the person.
- As a
guideline in sexual activity: Men
need to kindle the fire of woman, build tension or excitement. This is
like foreplay to foreplay. Think romantic story rather than sex act -
read romantic novels to get this. Small
work best! Offer a foot rub and maintain erotic vigilance - rather than
dick pics or asking if she wants sex tonight. Men need to relax more
into the moment and enjoy each step, rather than rushing through the stages of courtship. Women
need to get into an active state before sex, as this will allow them to
orgasm far quicker and more intensely - see here;
this is contrary to popular advice and the opposite of men, so get
physically active, emotionally excited, laugh a lot.
- Anticipation [advice
for men by David
'Anticipation is such an important concept when
it comes to "getting physical" with a woman. I believe that it's
important to incorporate it into every part of your interactions with a
woman... really.' (2) 'When
you find something she really likes, stop,
pull back, and make her really want it before you tease her with a
fact, sexual experts
are fond of saying that only 10 per cent of sexual excitement and
a result of what we do with our bodies. The rest is down to what goes
on in our
minds – our expectation and anticipation, our emotions and
Hayman, Pandora’s Book,
+ variety = great
You technique [advice for men]. You
need to establish a safe communication loop between you and your
partner. If you can receive feedback without taking things personally,
it creates emotional safety and you will better learn what works for
each other. You simply say "Thank you", whether the feedback is
positive or negative. Susan Bratton's mantra is
"There is no failure, only feedback".
- Personal Life Media
has a wealth of information on improving your skill as a lover, on
sexual knowledge and psychology.
Simple Things Women Wish Men Did in Bed: (1) Eye
Contact (every so often and at crucial changes; it creates
otherwise it could be any guy). (2) Slow it down
(average woman takes 20 minutes to
get to orgasm, whereas average man 5-7 minutes). (3) Use your hands. (4)
Let us know
that you are enjoying yourself (moans, gestures, eye
contact, words; both
people need to know it is good, reduces performance pressure). (5) Ask questions.
in and communicate. Work with her. Be patient, be communicative. This
mark of a great lover. (Caitlin
Veal, posted 8
July 2018, accessed 9 March 2019)
is healthy. Dependency not really.
- In an established relationship, many insist only on spontaneous sex. But, as man coach Karen Brody explains,
this tends to create a sexual desert and is really about avoiding sex
and intimacy. We prioritise and schedule so many things in life - like
exercise, friends and hobbies - so why not sex? Scheduling doesn't kill
sexiness; not having sex kills it. She recommends two hours each week...
do not mean they have to be enacted physically. Explore your fantasies
with In the Garden of Desire: The
Intimate World of Women's Sexual Fantasies by
Wendy Maltz & Suzie Boss.
in an intimate
relationship, you may be politically incorrect when in the
during daily life fighting for what is politically correct. For
signing petitions against slavery during the day, whilst playing BDSM
slavery role play at night. This is okay. See TED talk by Esther Perel.
abusive BDSM portrayed in '50 Shades...'
is not BDSM. Nor is it merely thrill. True BDSM
is about trust and communication. It is
also linked to better mental health. See here,
and Drugs is not a good mix. Combining
drugs [e.g. alcohol, cocaine, MDMA and
mephedrone] with sex increases the chance of catching an STD -
Drug use in BDSM fun is so
dangerous as risk assessment and ability to consent is highly
- The case against promiscuity #1:
STD = Sexually Transmitted Diseases. Use condoms. Learn more here,
[STD also called STI (Sexually Transmitted Infection).
However, STI does not mean you have developed STD.]
- The case against promiscuity #2:
can lead to Parenthood. See The
Daring Adventure of Intimacy and Parenting, Preparing for Conception,
Health = exercise,
less stress. Look after your body
and mind! This improves attractiveness, desire, performance,
exercises are also
vital for sexual and pelvic health (see here,
as a legal contract, is not essential. In the world we live in, it
usually make things easier legally and when you travel. However, the
true meaning of marriage is in building a nest or home together, and as
something sacred. This means it requires daily work, and it
needs a high ideal.
as Kahlil Gibran says in The
there be spaces in your togetherness'. One reason why we need this is
the not widely-known Incest
The incest taboo is where we gradually become turned off by our mate,
after we live with them for some time, as they unconsciously resemble
family, and we should not have sex with our family. So, some time apart
can connect us with our individuality, and recreate sexual polarity.
it can also be important to dedicate time to sex and intimacy. No tech.
No kids. As otherwise how can we be deeply present?
is a severely neglected part of sex. Feeling
sad, upset, disconnected after sex can happen to men and women. This
can be down to whether you were securely attached
when young. Or there can be many other reasons, such as sex connecting
us with deep emotions. For more, read Why
Do You Feel Sad After Sex, and here.
One answer - alone or not - is to hug after sex and/or say
love you" and/or connect to the Angels and Spiritual Light.
Watson asked Eve Ensler for her most
powerful advice for Women in this patriarchal culture. The author of The
Monologues answered: “Trust your
experience. Trust what you know and
act on it. Don't WAIT for permission… No one's going to give
you permission to
oust them or resist them. AND No one’s in charge but the
people pretending to
be. Listen to your body. Follow your instincts. Fight for our Mother
each other. If you’re privileged, share your platforms and
serve those without
privilege more deeply. Listen better. Dance. Rage. Have your anger.
lot. Have wild ecstatic sex. Spend more time imagining. Bow down to
don't be embarrassed to love. Bigger.” (Elle,
posted 1 April 2017, accessed 22 April 2017)
we are. Although we share similar patterns of sexuality with others, we
are all unique. Take the time to discover the uniqueness of yourself
and your partner. This is why the Platinum
Rule is highly relevant. The Golden Rule
asks us to treat others as we
would like to be treated. But the Platinum
Rule suggests we treat others in the way they would like to
be treated. Get their world!
is possible to instruct
and advise human beings on matters of sexuality, but with the clear
understanding that such questions can only be truly resolved in
each individual. It is unreasonable to try to impose the same rules on
in the name of morality, because the same discipline that helps some
balance and true spirituality may, on the contrary, drive others into
repression, hysteria, and neurosis. Human beings do not all have the
needs, and someone who does not realize this risks either preaching in
desert or inflicting needless torment. This is not to say, however,
need make no effort whatsoever. On the contrary, each of you, on your
level, must strive to master your sexual energy so that your love will
nobler, more beautiful, and more spiritual. This is the only true rule
sexual morality." (O.M. Aïvanhov)
subject of chastity and continence is
generally badly addressed by religion. Why? Because in reality, the act
lovemaking is in itself neither good nor bad: it is simply what men and
are able to make of it. If they have not worked on themselves to become
nobler and more enlightened, they will only communicate certain
influences to their partner through the act of lovemaking. True love
improve everything in the person you love – it should uplift
them, make them
stronger and more radiant. Whether it is then expressed physically or
secondary. You can love someone without ever touching them yet still
them with your love. There is therefore only one question you
asking yourself to determine the quality of your love: is the person
blossoming because of it? If they are becoming sickly and weak and
love for life, ask yourself what you have done to harm this creature.
should have taken care of them as you would a garden flower, and there
nothing for you to be particularly proud of. The only thing you can do
find out how you can repair your errors. The love you give must make
person grow. Only when you see that they are blossoming thanks to your
you then be glad and thank the heavens." (O.M. Aïvanhov)
Steps to Sexual Happiness (Lovehoney, 2019)
[Be curious. Be honest. Be you.].
Remarkable Health Benefits of Sex (Megan,
Couples Candy, 2021).
Do People Fake Orgasms? (Lovehoney, 2017).
autosexual and I fancy myself more than other people' (BBC,
pros and cons of consensual non-monogamy (BBC,
Important Things You (Probably) Didn't Learn in Sex Ed (Lovehoney,
Sex (Earth Touch) [Sex in the animal kingdom].
should teach children about miscarriage during sex ed. Here’s
why (Jessica Zucker, The Guardian, 2021)
[A reported one in four pregnancies will end in miscarriage. Yet
miscarriage, like abortion, is not included in most curricula.].
- Why Making Love Belongs on your Calendar! (Karen Brody, 2021).
- Can I be submissive in the bedroom and still be a feminist? (Pamela Connolly, The Guardian, 2021).
Consent & Harassment
& Sexual Frustration
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